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Tuesday, July 13, 2004
Where does it hurt?
I recieved an email the other day informing me that there would be chair massages being offered to relieve the stress of daily life around here. Contrary to what the name might imply, a chair massage does not involve someone rubbing down a chair, much much like Girl Scout cookies containing no actual Girl Scouts or Compassionate Republicans containing no actual compassion.
A chair massage is actually a massage given to an individual who is sitting in a contraption straight out of "Medieval Hellish Torture Monthly" (I have a subscription). The victim straddles a bar whilst resting their legs behind them at an angle. The sufferer's face going into this little halo-looking device and the arms get positioned in from on a miniature shelf-thing. In this manner is the sucker's back and kidneys fully exposed to whatever malevolent desires the massage practicioner may have.
No Mammaries to Speak of
I arrive at the room a few minuites early for my appointment and discover, to my great dismay, that the massager is a man. Well, damn. Here I was with a mental image of a leggy blonde named "Bunny"dressed in skipy clothing oiling up my back, and I get some old dude named Steve with an evil gleam in his eye.
Well, whatever, it's disappointing but hey... free massage. Steve asks me to sit in the chair, and I do so. As it turns out, when I place my face into the (much oversized for anyone whose head is not pumpkinish) facehugger I find that my gaze is now directed squarely at Steve's crotch. Oh joy.
I keep repeating my mantra of "free massage" over and over as I close my eyes and wait for Steve to begin. Steve starts off by putting his elbows on either side of my neck and attempting to drive my clavical through the floor.
Ich heisse Helga, und ich hole die SCHMERZ!
Hey, I'll be the first to admit that I haven't had a lot of professional massages in my life. Ok, before today I had none. But I have recieved massages from other people on occasions, and they generally didn't hurt like hell. In fact, they felt pretty darn good. This though. This was just REALLY DAMN PAINFUL. But who am I to say anything? Steve is a professional and must know what he's doing, right? Maybe it's supposed to feel good later or something.
So I'm expecting that at some point Steve-O will start with the actual massaging stuff. You know, moving the hands in circular motions, all that jazz. Like those chairs at Sharper Image, only better, right? No. Steve decides that he is going to lift my arm and move it in little circles while squeezing my shoulder.
It is at this point that I decide that I am in some kind of bizarre human psychology experiment. Steve is actually Dr. Svenson, head of the Institute of Behavioral Science. There is a camera in the room recording my facial expressions and somewhere there is a guy in a little room wondering how long it will take me to tell Dr. Svenson that he is a quack and should release my limbs from his grasp.
And I never saw Steve again
Sadly, Allen Funt never emerges from his hiding place and instead Steve informs me that my time is up. My neck was still as stiff and sore as when I entered, despite the fact that I filled out a little questionare asking me what area I would like him to concentrate on. Of course, given what he did to my shoulders, I'm not sure I could have survived whatever torture he had in mind for my neck...
Posted at 05:03 pm by plki76
 | | | Jerm
July 14, 2004 05:02 PM PDT
First question is what type of massage they're practicing. Sweedish massage is generally the type of 'feel good' massage that most of us hope for when placing ourselves in someone else's hands. Shtiatsu is more like accupressure, but still feels quite good and should actually be painful. Theraputic massage is another ballgame. This is the sort of Hellraiser-inspired thing that you speak of. My Ex is a physical therapist and this is the sort of thing she practiced on me fairly regularly. Fortunately, being on rather familiar terms with her it wasn't considered terribly rude to gnash my teeth and curse the next 10 generationf of her family in a manner that would make a biker gang ask me to watch my language.
She knew what she was doingm though, and long-term it really did help. When i wanted a proper 'feel good' massage, though, i went to one of her coworkers who was a licenced massage therapist who delivered more of what you would exptect form a day at the spa.
Shame on all fo you, however, for not speaking up about the pain. Shame on the masseusse for not disclaimering, "let me know if this hurts,' but damn, people.... speak up! Inflicting pain on people unless that's what they expect, is not a way to get customers back and any MT with a brain will back of if you let them know it's too hard. how was he to know?
speak up! | |
| | | Dairy Queen (formerly Gel)
July 14, 2004 04:59 PM PDT
OK, the real question is...did "it" move??? | |
| | | Gigglesbee
July 14, 2004 09:44 AM PDT
Yeah...I think they're supposed to hurt some...but that sounds excessive for sure. Make sure you drink a lot of water today. Flushes away the toxins that he's now released into your muscles.
Hey..it's free. You get what you pay for. ;) | |
| | | vadea
July 14, 2004 06:33 AM PDT
i've never had a professional massage...and from the sounds of it, i don't want one =)
i always thought you were supposed to melt into the chair like warm butter. yipes. | |
| | | nicjanjon
July 13, 2004 11:38 PM PDT
That happened to me on my first professional massage. I wasn't sore immediately...just the next day for several days. I felt like I was bruised. Ugh! | |
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